3 weeks of being single (sort of) is coming to an end. As much as i'm looking forward to seeing him again (and more), i have to say, i did enjoy the time to myself and my friends. It was hard to get used to at first with sleepless crying nights :( haha! But eventually i came to like (maybe also love) it. The freedom to do whatever i please, with boundaries, whenever i want and without having to make time aside for my baby and come up with new ways and constantly work at maintaining a proper relationship and keeping him happy.
That's how i am when in a committed relationship. Emphasis on the committed. I tend to focus a little bit too much on the relationship and i forget to take care of myself. All i wanna do is keep him happy and keep the relationship afloat. It became what my life revolved around.
So these 3 weeks of singlehood was so fuckin refreshing really! I finally had the time to do things i've always wanted to do. I found that part of myself buried so deep inside. I guess it gave me more time to be clearer of who i am, and what i want. I was in the blur for far too long.
And guess what? I'm happy now. And it's kinda free-ing to be honest.
I guess 3 weeks apart wouldn't do much to any other couple but he lives down the street and we see each other nearly everyday and practically live in each other's houses! We're nearly 3 years in and still attached at the hips. So forcing myself to go through with 3 weeks of not having my boy there to have my back, pick me up when i fall, and believe in me was torturous. Or so i thought.
Our time apart has forced me to take life day by day, to not rush so much, which i've been doing lately and enjoy being young. I had a dose of what it's like to be spontaneous after such a long time of just planning my life, and ours. I guess in some ways, it made me young.
And that sometimes, to be able to believe in yourself when no one does is probably the only thing you ever need to do in life. It is true what they say, that you will always need 'me' time. So once in a while, you get a firm grip of who you are and not get lost in the world of nobodies.
:)
I can't wait for the rest of my life, but till then, i'm gonna be damn sure i enjoy what i've got.
I can't seem to bloody go on twitter and there's so much on my mind i wanna say.
The past few days have been a total mess in my head. I felt things i shouldn't and i'm missing the past. Does that even make sense? Maybe it's not real, maybe it's just company i need, to have you close to me like you used to before we grew apart. And for some reason, i think you feel it too.
Sometimes, if you pay enough attention to my twitter, you'll find me talking about you. Am dying to head to Bali end of the year. Anyone wanna join me?
Have you ever felt as though every effort you've made so far is never going to be enough? That out of nowhere, your world is falling apart, crumbling down, no matter how hard you try to hold the wall up, and you're not happy? That there really isn't anyone who really truly cares, who will hold your hand and guide you rather than just the one time "You'll be okay" advice bullshit?
Everyone thinks i have the perfect life, with everything i want. I beg to differ.
24/7 i'm chasing my dreams. It has become my drug. Now, i can't stop, and it's killing me.
"I want to sit early mornings & watch the sun rise with you in my arms, Kiss your lips as the sun hits the horizon, & sleep the night breeze with you by my side."
I smiled.
:)
No make up. Only eyeliner. OMG o.O with bengkak eye summore!
I'll be waiting. Can you believe we're actually doing this?
Good Sunday all! Last night was a Saturday and perhaps one of the most emotional ones for me, in a while. I wasn't partying or drinking or smoking, but rather i was home (well, sorta) trying to finish up my piled up assignments. Suprised? I was too.
Things have mellowed out a little, and it really was a time for me to just have some alone time and try to spend the time i've lost with my friends. But one was working late, and the other went to a rave i was supposed to go, if only i didn't have my assignments in the way. So yesterday, i spent the night with the boy.
The awesome night at Euphoria :)
What turned the night so emotionally wreaking is when i got home and was on youtube. And of all things, i watched, Dana The 8 Year Old Anorexic.
I tend to look for these videos every few months. No, i'm not sick. But i was. These videos reminds me of when i was diagnosed with anorexia 5 years ago. I guess these videos made me feel normal, understood, like i wasn't the only one acting so crazy at that time. Too bad these videos never existed 5 years ago.
One misconception about anorexia is always the idea that we, anorexics just wants to be thin like what the media potrays women should. Really, that's the most stupid and shallow assumption that can be made and it really gets me worked up whenever anyone brings up the idea. Whenever i mention i had been diagnosed with anorexia when i was younger, the first reaction i get is "But you're already thin!". Puh-lease, how shallow can you get?
I can go on and on about what anorexia is really about, and how it is indeed hell, but i don't think anyone really gets it unless they've been through it themselves.
I now, keep that hoodie. :p He brought the house down on the first night! So proud!
But, it is not about trying to look like models or things like that. So it's not as easy as convincing an anorexic to just eat. It's really not about the eating. An anorexic may show recovery signs of eating but the illness may still dominate their thoughts. And honestly, the thoughts never really leave, it remains in the back of your mind. It is in mine, and each day you know it's there, you're scared for life when it's going to take control of your mind again, so everyday is a struggle.
Sounds like a demon, doesn't it? Well, it is.
Thinking back of my anorexic ways, i always wondered to myself, how i was able to do it. I wouldn't be able to do the same things i did, now. Today, i eat out nearly everyday when back then i survived on water and 3 bites of rice per day. Some days, i consume none. Yet i was able to run for 2 hours everyday when i got so lazy to even walk to 7 eleven yesterday.
o.O
It's funny how, i carry on my days so bleak and exhausted, dominated by the thoughts in my head.
Dalvin, lickyyyyy, so glad i met her ;)
I remember my last weigh with my back then psychiatrist, i was 34kg. That may not be very light for a 14-15 year old, but i was never those kind of girls that can eat everything i want and not gain weight. In fact, i gain weight extremely easily, so you can only imagine how much i had to starve to reach that weight. I still gain weight easily till now, unfortunately :(
Knowing how anorexia killed a part of me, my heart goes out to Dana. No one, especially not an 8 year old should suffer like that. Imagining how much i went through, to think of the pain i had, to be put on her and her 8 year old mind, is heartbreaking. She's 8, she shouldn't want to die. She shouldn't have to deal with the illness. She's so young she doesn't even understand what's going on in her own head to explain things. So badly, i just wanted to see her smile.
Anorexia is proven to be hereditary, and that scares me, to know that my child has a chance of developing it. Even a 1% chance scares me.
Imagine me now, but minus 15-20 kg.
I find it so funny that i'm modeling now, when i am heavier, rather than skinnier. Please note that negative feedback on this, is best kept to yourself.
Life's like that. It lifts you up to that euphoric high only to tear you apart to crash and burn. It adds colours to your life, yes. But can life stop messing me up for once! It'd be really nice, thank you.
It's been busier than ever with assignments, friends, and boyfriend.
The fact that my mind is not making any sense to me is not helping either.
I'm trying not to care, i really am.
But how can i not care? When everything matters and i'm trying to be as perfect as i can be. And being perfect means i have to weigh every thought, analyze every situation and handle it the best way that i can, everytime, not missing a thing.
I know things will never be perfect, but it doesn't stop me from trying.
What's so fucked is that life isn't even giving me a chance for that.
When one side of my life is finally fixed, the other screws up and vice versa. It drives me crazy.
My official birthday is exactly a week away. When most turning this age would be prancing around in joy, i'm scared.
(the worse possible job that is so not me)
Time and time again, i whine about life, so please bear with me. It's like a tug of war, between wanting to grow up quick, and trying to grip the end of the carefree responsible-less fun. I'm scared to make the big-ger decisions, more than just choosing the right course. There's the job, and the family and keeping it all together. But at the same time i want to make my own mark in life, badly.I wanna stop feeling so helpless.
At this age, when everyone is starting to discover the party scene, and the booze that comes along with it, i'm slowly growing out of it. The hype, the energy of it just isn't there anymore. I guess that's what happens when you grow up just a tad bit faster.
Yes, you grab life and reality earlier than others, you tend to take life more seriously at this age, that's the advantage.
But because you're not growing at the norm pace, you're pretty much on your own.
The view's pretty lonely from up here.
(Me in red car. I'm a lesbian with no kids. wtf)
The things that used to be the wild things, ain't that wild anymore. It's still wild for everyone else, just not me.
Maybe dead is the way to describe it.
Part of me finds it pointless at how i'm living. I want to make my own money, my own independance, my own house. It's crazy to be thinking like that at my age, i just started college damnit!
Yet part of me is trying to grip that energy for life i used to have when i was young-er.
I feel like i'm already 28. But i'm struggling to feel 18.
Maybe i should stop being so pessimistic and stop scrutinizing every single minute detail of my life. I do this thing where i analyze practically everything, and i find every possible loophole and meaning and foulplay.
I would make an awesome lawyer. :D
Tropicana City Mall.
I'm blessed (or cursed) with constant drama. Depending on how you see it. I'm either happy one moment, messed up the next or in a state of confusion when things happen all at one go. I don't think i've stayed in one state for more than 2 days in ages.
It's tiring. The turbulence of emotions pushes you across the line to insanity sometimes. It's crazy.
With everything that has ever happened to me, not once have i not put it under an electronic microscope and take it apart and go through every bit of it with the greatest of attention.
And when i find a loophole in it, it's magnified. I guess that explains how i doubt nearly everything and get paranoid over things that don't even exist.
Euveng & myself
Josh & myself. Picture distortion caused by Euveng's flash.
Maybe because i've been let down and betrayed so many times that i go to the extreme to make sure i brace myself for any form of future possibility of the same fate. So i try to figure things how before they come to be.
And most times, i figure things out right. Including people.
Euveng & Selena
Because of it, i tend to channel my energy negatively. That's my problem. I could try to learn to look at the brighter side of life. I mean, life goes on despite the drama. Despite the loss of anyone or anything, even love. The world doesn't stop and mourn.
Rather than growing up and start taking life seriously, maybe for me it's the other way round. It's time to start taking life lightly. I don't wanna die one day and all i can think about is all the doubts i ever have of everyone and everything. Of how every single one of them has the possibility of screwing me up. That 'what the hell, i might as well die'.
Maybe letting your guard down is not so bad. Maybe then, happy things can get in. Cause i wanna be able to truly smile one day.
He was my date.
I've never entirely let my heart go. I have a childhood that reminds me that i shouldn't. Thing is, what does my childhood have anything to do with the people around me now?
My heart has been very well taken care of of late and it's only logical that i give my heart whole to him. But at every flaw at every word he says, i hold myself back, it's stupid. I need to remind myself that he's not perfect, no one is. Nor i or any of my friends.
I forget that nothing in this world is. It's time to stop taking every bloody thing in the world so seriously.
You know, my holidays are coming to an end. By next week, i'd be back in college going along with my everyday routines. Only this time, Nicole will be there. I don't know how much of a difference will that make since she's not in my class.
Yupp, back to the cycle.
I hate it. I love the security of how predictable it can be sometimes, go to class, make noise, eat, go home, but i hate how unproductive it can be, how my life is going nowhere with it. I know how at this age, studying is what i'm suppose to be doing, that studying is productive and it is bringing me somewhere, like helping me to land a job.
But in my books, being productive has a whole different meaning. I've known to be an overachiever and at some point i agree. I push myself over the edge, i want to do just about everything possible in the world, and at the end of it, i'm just never satisfied.
And now, neither am i just satisfied being a college girl. And my part time 'job' of partying, attending events, and shopping is not helping things seem any better.
I want to make my mark in the world, whether in money or in name, it doesn't matter. I just want to do something.
My future seems pretty unsure from where i'm standing.
I do alot, because that's how i am. Dancing, arts, fashion, modeling, my studies are excellent, my mind is like this huge powerful computer, things are processed at lightning speed. That's the thing, i do alot but i'm not superbly great at one thing that i can channel my focus and energy to. It's scattered everywhere. There's nothing that makes you go "Wow".I want that.
Time and time again, i rant about this, about being unproductive. It never stops bothering me that my life is going nowhere at this point.
I've been thinking about my future so much, that i actually look through houses for sale classifieds everyday and deviced up a plan to save for it.
Remember the time, my first time actually, stuck in my college elevator cause there was a major blackout? Well, i do. The first time i literally felt like the world is closing in on me, in a very very long time.
Everyone was calling, thinking of their loved ones and for some of us, praying to God. In some ways, just hoping for one extra day to live. I may be exaggerating a little, but that's what happens in a crisis, be it big or small.
(Sorry for the poor quality pictures, taken with phone)
That's the thing, when it suddenly hits us on the head that this moment may be the last time we breathe, love is all we can think of. Hatred melts away and we're filled with regret of never appreciating the people around us, and life, enough. All we could think about is:
If only i can have one more day to live i'd do things the right way second round. Yea, right.
For maybe like ten minutes, we learn to appreciate life and promised God or whoever it was, we were talking to in our head, we'd do things better, just let us live. Yea, right then, life was all we wanted, nothing more.
The hype of it last only until an hour after the crisis is over. Then we are back to leading our lives, being completely ungrateful and never stoping to think again, that our life could have ended right there.
I'm guilty of that.
I think it's been more than the fifth round for most of us. And i bet, most of us, are still taking things for granted, never appreciating every moment we have just being alive. Because we're to 'busy' to stop and feel.
What if the next crisis that happens, God or whoever you were talking to in your head, is fed up with constantly giving you another chance to 'do it right'? What if the next time, really, your time is up? Touchwood.
I believe that passion and drive can take you places. That sometimes maybe hope is the only thing we all need to live by. I have been through parts of life, been called a bitch, a skank, a slut. I am of many things. I live a life one can only imagine.
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