Good Sunday all! Last night was a Saturday and perhaps one of the most emotional ones for me, in a while. I wasn't partying or drinking or smoking, but rather i was home (well, sorta) trying to finish up my piled up assignments. Suprised? I was too.
Things have mellowed out a little, and it really was a time for me to just have some alone time and try to spend the time i've lost with my friends. But one was working late, and the other went to a rave i was supposed to go, if only i didn't have my assignments in the way. So yesterday, i spent the night with the boy.
The awesome night at Euphoria :)
What turned the night so emotionally wreaking is when i got home and was on youtube. And of all things, i watched, Dana The 8 Year Old Anorexic.
I tend to look for these videos every few months. No, i'm not sick. But i was. These videos reminds me of when i was diagnosed with anorexia 5 years ago. I guess these videos made me feel normal, understood, like i wasn't the only one acting so crazy at that time. Too bad these videos never existed 5 years ago.
One misconception about anorexia is always the idea that we, anorexics just wants to be thin like what the media potrays women should. Really, that's the most stupid and shallow assumption that can be made and it really gets me worked up whenever anyone brings up the idea. Whenever i mention i had been diagnosed with anorexia when i was younger, the first reaction i get is "But you're already thin!".
Puh-lease, how shallow can you get?
I can go on and on about what anorexia is really about, and how it is indeed hell, but i don't think anyone really gets it unless they've been through it themselves.
I now, keep that hoodie. :p He brought the house down on the first night! So proud!
But, it is not about trying to look like models or things like that. So it's not as easy as convincing an anorexic to just eat. It's really not about the eating. An anorexic may show recovery signs of eating but the illness may still dominate their thoughts. And honestly, the thoughts never really leave, it remains in the back of your mind. It is in mine, and each day you know it's there, you're scared for life when it's going to take control of your mind again, so everyday is a struggle.
Sounds like a demon, doesn't it? Well, it is.
Thinking back of my anorexic ways, i always wondered to myself, how i was able to do it. I wouldn't be able to do the same things i did, now. Today, i eat out nearly everyday when back then i survived on water and 3 bites of rice per day. Some days, i consume none. Yet i was able to run for 2 hours everyday when i got so lazy to even walk to 7 eleven yesterday.
o.O
It's funny how, i carry on my days so bleak and exhausted, dominated by the thoughts in my head.
Dalvin, lickyyyyy, so glad i met her ;)
I remember my last weigh with my back then psychiatrist, i was 34kg. That may not be very light for a 14-15 year old, but i was never those kind of girls that can eat everything i want and not gain weight. In fact, i gain weight extremely easily, so you can only imagine how much i had to starve to reach that weight. I still gain weight easily till now, unfortunately :(
Knowing how anorexia killed a part of me, my heart goes out to Dana. No one, especially not an 8 year old should suffer like that. Imagining how much i went through, to think of the pain i had, to be put on her and her 8 year old mind, is heartbreaking. She's 8, she shouldn't want to die. She shouldn't have to deal with the illness. She's so young she doesn't even understand what's going on in her own head to explain things. So badly, i just wanted to see her smile.
Anorexia is proven to be hereditary, and that scares me, to know that my child has a chance of developing it. Even a 1% chance scares me.
Imagine me now, but minus 15-20 kg.
I find it so funny that i'm modeling now, when i am heavier, rather than skinnier.
Please note that negative feedback on this, is best kept to yourself.
Things have mellowed out a little, and it really was a time for me to just have some alone time and try to spend the time i've lost with my friends. But one was working late, and the other went to a rave i was supposed to go, if only i didn't have my assignments in the way. So yesterday, i spent the night with the boy.
The awesome night at Euphoria :)
What turned the night so emotionally wreaking is when i got home and was on youtube. And of all things, i watched, Dana The 8 Year Old Anorexic.
I tend to look for these videos every few months. No, i'm not sick. But i was. These videos reminds me of when i was diagnosed with anorexia 5 years ago. I guess these videos made me feel normal, understood, like i wasn't the only one acting so crazy at that time. Too bad these videos never existed 5 years ago.
One misconception about anorexia is always the idea that we, anorexics just wants to be thin like what the media potrays women should. Really, that's the most stupid and shallow assumption that can be made and it really gets me worked up whenever anyone brings up the idea. Whenever i mention i had been diagnosed with anorexia when i was younger, the first reaction i get is "But you're already thin!".
Puh-lease, how shallow can you get?
I can go on and on about what anorexia is really about, and how it is indeed hell, but i don't think anyone really gets it unless they've been through it themselves.
I now, keep that hoodie. :p He brought the house down on the first night! So proud!But, it is not about trying to look like models or things like that. So it's not as easy as convincing an anorexic to just eat. It's really not about the eating. An anorexic may show recovery signs of eating but the illness may still dominate their thoughts. And honestly, the thoughts never really leave, it remains in the back of your mind. It is in mine, and each day you know it's there, you're scared for life when it's going to take control of your mind again, so everyday is a struggle.
Sounds like a demon, doesn't it? Well, it is.
Thinking back of my anorexic ways, i always wondered to myself, how i was able to do it. I wouldn't be able to do the same things i did, now. Today, i eat out nearly everyday when back then i survived on water and 3 bites of rice per day. Some days, i consume none. Yet i was able to run for 2 hours everyday when i got so lazy to even walk to 7 eleven yesterday.
o.O
It's funny how, i carry on my days so bleak and exhausted, dominated by the thoughts in my head.
Dalvin, lickyyyyy, so glad i met her ;)I remember my last weigh with my back then psychiatrist, i was 34kg. That may not be very light for a 14-15 year old, but i was never those kind of girls that can eat everything i want and not gain weight. In fact, i gain weight extremely easily, so you can only imagine how much i had to starve to reach that weight. I still gain weight easily till now, unfortunately :(
Knowing how anorexia killed a part of me, my heart goes out to Dana. No one, especially not an 8 year old should suffer like that. Imagining how much i went through, to think of the pain i had, to be put on her and her 8 year old mind, is heartbreaking. She's 8, she shouldn't want to die. She shouldn't have to deal with the illness. She's so young she doesn't even understand what's going on in her own head to explain things. So badly, i just wanted to see her smile.
Anorexia is proven to be hereditary, and that scares me, to know that my child has a chance of developing it. Even a 1% chance scares me.
Imagine me now, but minus 15-20 kg.
I find it so funny that i'm modeling now, when i am heavier, rather than skinnier.
Please note that negative feedback on this, is best kept to yourself.
kisses.
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